Huh... So Poker can still read this thread, he just can't reply to it?? If that's the case- I wanted to leave him with a final thought since I'm not interested in following him to his other haunts:
You have a strange demeanor in these forums. Maybe in person you are more recognizable as a fellow enthusiast, but in forums you do not respond predictably or reliably, and that sets people off who have the intention of sharing their hard-fought acquired knowledge and expertise and try to help you. I'm guessing a lot of what you wrote was done so in fun, and maybe some of that was taken the wrong way- but that's because you had created a situation for yourself over a long period of time where you repeatedly asked questions that were unanswerable, or asked for advice, and then never / seldom responded to that advice, and in fact stated that those more experienced / knowledgeable folks were wrong, and you intended to do what you were being advised against anyway. That's totally fine- but there were a lot of people who offered to personally assist you (offered you rides, meet-ups, and even to buy you lunch) and you did not respond to those offers, or you dismissed those offers as not worth your time. That's insulting, in case you do not see it, because a stranger was recognizing your apparent state, and was reaching out to you, to spend their own time and money to take a chance that you were not a psychopath, but a fellow enthusiast that they could help, and maybe even befriend. Those offers were met with silence, or the equivalent of "nah- it's too far or too much trouble". You have nobody to blame but yourself, and any ideas to the contrary are just self-serving fabrications.
Really and truly- consider talking to a professional. I'm not perfect, and could likely use the same advice- but the first step is acknowledging that there may be a problem, and I think you need to consider that.